my unpublished thoughts

aside from this blog (and my friendster blog), i encode my thoughts into language symbols through writing, through typing actually on my laptop. i finished this one 1& 1/2 weeks before my birthday. i submitted it somewhere for publication and until now it hasn't been published...so i thought i would just publish it here, hehehe.
i have something new thoughts in my mind which i think i will write pretty soon. i just thought that before that new one, i should let others read this first (if ever there are people reading my blogs).
so here it is...read on....

HAPPY LIVING

The Christmas season is definitely here. Almost all the news programs on TV end with the countdown to Christmas. And when this happens, it also means that my birthday is coming which is on the last week of November.

It’s not really a big deal to me. I am turning a year older and I am thankful for all the blessings of my previous years and pray for the next year/s to come. That’s about it for me.

However, it’s not for those who are around me. After 25 years old, people expect you to have a serious relationship and eventually marry (preferably before you turn 30). And each year that I celebrate my birthday, this expectation is getting more serious. Even the taxi driver whom I talked with while cruising EDSA on my way to the bus station asked me if I’m already married upon learning that I am already 27 years old.

I have loved and obsessed about a lot of men throughout my life. Quite a number have returned this love but it never turned that serious because as soon as there was an inkling that it might turn very serious as it will lead to talks about marriage, I back out. Because of this, people have said a lot about me and topping the list are I am ‘pihikan’ or lesbian. I am not at all affected by these because whatever it is that they say, I know who I am and what I am. It just saddens me that for many of us, the gauge for happiness is whether you are or you are not in a relationship with the opposite sex that will lead to marriage and children. When a man or a woman gets really successful without any woman or man, respectively, with that person, people will say “Kulang na lang asawa” or “Kumpleto na sana kung meron lang girlfriend or boyfriend or katuwang sa buhay.” People can’t just accept that it’s not all about that. My life, at least, is not ruled by my having or not having a guy in my life and my biggest dream is not to meet the right man for me and get married to that guy.

I don’t have anything against serious relationships or marriage. One of my past times is reading, and finishing within about 2 hours, pocketbooks from Harlequin Mills and Boon. These are all about romantic relationships which turn very serious and eventually lead to marriage. Who wouldn’t want a happy-ever-after? Who wouldn’t want Gil and Sara (of CSI) to end up together? Or Charlie and Amita (of Numb3rs)? Who wouldn’t want a fairy tale romance? Who doesn’t want the good feeling of being in love that every love song playing on the radio seems to be dedicated to you? I do too but then I think it’s just not for me. The things that I read from these romance novelettes are very far from real-life situations. I have experienced enough and I have seen enough.

Just this week, I visited an old friend (not in terms of age but in terms of the age of our friendship) and she told me that almost all of her married friends are separated because of numerous reasons. I have lots of male friends and acquaintances that I know are married and are keeping other women too, some even in front of my eyes. In all the relationships that I have had and all that I have observed around me, I have realized that men only want two things and two things alone – service and sex. (I know many men will disagree and that’s fine with me.) I can maybe provide the sex but I don’t think I am capable of serving another person all the time just to keep up the relationship with him. Ask my mom and my friends. They know that I don’t really do anything at home except eat, sleep and surf the net or watch TV. Not that I don’t know how to do them, I do. I am just basically a lazy person. Sometimes, my mom tells me I should learn do this and that so that when I get married, I will know what to do, to which I respond, “That’s why I don’t get married because I know I can’t do these things which are expected of a wife.”

Aside from these, I don’t think men can ever be faithful. I’ve seen enough men around me to last a lifetime of non-committing male species to just one woman. I know that if and when I get to the point of getting married, I can definitely say that I would be committed to that person and the marriage until death. Marriage is about love, respect, compromise, communication and same set of values and belief in the importance of marriage. You are not committed if you forget that you have a wife (and child/ren) for the while that you are flirting and/or having sex with somebody else. That is something I can’t compromise with – being unfaithful. That is the most unloving and disrespectful thing that you can do to your family.

When one gets married, s/he is expected to have children. I don’t think I am capable of taking care and being solely responsible for another life. Don’t get me wrong. I like kids, that is, when they are good. When they turn stubborn, I tend to get stubborn too…And life is hard nowadays. Preschool education costs more than my tuition fee when I was in college. And as a state college instructor 1, my salary is just enough to sustain me so what more if I have a family to support? I just can’t bear the stress of having to think about how to feed “my family” and send “my kids” to good schools with the money that I earn from my job. My ‘husband’ and I are bound to have arguments about the money not being enough. And what I hate most is arguing and fighting about money.

I am not sure if I will really have these problems if and when I get married but I believe these are valid thoughts.

I am old enough and I don’t have time anymore for relationships which are just bound to fail. If and when I’ll have one, I want it to last a lifetime. And I don’t think it will happen anytime soon.

Maybe there is a right man for me. However, I will not live my life waiting for that “right man” to come. I am happy and contented enough as I am now.

And now that I am turning a year older, I have only one answer to those married people who ask me why I don’t have a special somebody yet – I am happy with my life and the reason that I am still single is the same reason why you got married.